Coffee R10, Hugs for Free at CrossFit Bryanston

OMG! I’m not even out of the parking lot at CrossFit Bryanston and the coach is already shouting at me! I’m standing in the pouring rain, flustered from being lost in peak hour traffic for an hour, trying to jam my cellphone in my handbag while a river of jo’burg’s sludgy rains soaks my inov-8s. I’m trying to maintain a sense of humour by contemplating whether I should have packed my ark when a voice from above yells at me to hurry up. I find myself slightly relieved – as I always am – to find that the voice isn’t in my head; it’s David Ayres.

Who moved my cupcake?

A Dave by any name would be just as sweet but to me he’ll always be Dave Stri-ped. That’s because the first few times I saw him he was never without a pair of striped socks. And of course his OUTSIDE voice (as Barney would call it – as opposed to his inside voice.) And so in one of those moments just after the barbell hit my chin so hard I went blank for a few second while my brain rebooted, I thought to myself that while the rest of us are bipeds, Dave with his stripes is a stri-ped. It  just seemed like he needed a bigger, bolder name  than "Dave" because everything about him seems supersized. Especially his hugs! Of which he owes me many and is now working off on a credit system in exchange for crushing the cupcakes I was about to surrender to after months of paleo pastry depravation.

 

But I digress from the purpose of this which was to tell you about my visit to CrossFit Bryanston. Probably because Dave is such a bad influence!

Just me and my PVC

 So here I am at CF Bryanston which is thoughtfully situated in the same centre as KFC and a Luv Land Adult Shop. What a happy coincidence for all us energetic CrossFitters that only one of those is paleo-friendly!

By the time I get upstairs people have already paired up with PVC pipes. Some are even warming up with them. Most are clinging to them like security blankets. I’m one of the most. I’m also magnificently resisting the urge to poke people with mine for the simple pleasure of watching them jump. You find strange ways to occupy yourself when you’re nervous. And I’m only here for the free hugs anyway.

And then, score my first hug! Thank you Albert van Zyl.

 Hanging loose

 So let me tell you about the first time I met Albert. He was hanging out watching the final Open WOD at CrossFit Platinum and he was chatting animatedly to a total stranger. As luck would gave it that stranger was me. I was exceptionally polite to him because I was training with his aunt. Turns out I shouldn’t have bothered because I actually wasn’t and in fact I don’t even know anyone in his family. (I’ll say it again: too much chalkdust to the brain!)

 The 2^nd time I met him was at a rowing seminar. While everyone else did insane things in between bouts of rowing – like for example, rest -  Albert played on the pullup bars. I remember thinking that if there as an ADHD Barbie, Albert would have been her Perpetual Motion Ken. Now that I think about it, every time I’ve seen Albert in a box somewhere he’s been swinging on, over or through something with the exuberance of a kid on a jungle gym.

 So you can understand why I was so excited at the chance to train with both Ken and Stri-ped?

 Why did I wear my good shoes?

 Yes a class with Dave and Albert! Only wait, no, apparently the coach is this guy who just arrived. Josh. Josh looks sweet. But then, so do puffer fish. He’s going on about not writing the reps for the WOD on the board but rather shouting them out as we go along. Outside the thunder crashes and the lightning flashes ominously and in here the theme song from Jaws is playing in my head.  

 I ask Gail how long the WOD will last because I’m hearing instructions about overhead squats and sprawl burpees but without reassuring words like “time cap”. When she stops laughing she says “until you puke on your shoes.” I was starting to get the feeling I should have stayed lost in the Jo’burg traffic.

 Getting all misty eyed

What follows is insane! At some point I give up trying to clean the mist off my glasses and satisfy myself with a blurred view of the world and the understanding that I don’t need to see the bar to lift the bar. It’s probably better this way anyway because now I won’t have to go through the agony of trying to figure out if I’m doing burpees in someone else’s puddle of sweat or my own.

I’m thinking I should have hung onto my PVC pipe because if I poke Josh hard enough maybe he’ll throw me out of the class. Luckily I don’t have to resort to violence because just like that I’ve done my last 20 Goblet Squats. I’d given up the bar for the bell a few rounds back at around the same time as the bare barbell started weighing roughly the same as a circus elephant and was somehow moving around up there with the same grace and enthusiasm. If you’ve been there you’re know: the pain of collapsing forward and smashing a barbell into your ankles with enough force to splice metal into bone is nothing compared to  the humiliation of telling people that yes, the bar you dropped wasn’t even loaded.

So I’m happy. I have the feeling that if I could see through my glasses I’d see light at the end of the tunnel. But no! Turns out there is another whole other part of the WOD that includes scurrying around like a crab trying to swat people’s hands. Bonus! At least the floor will be close enough to me not to draw blood if I collapse.

Hardcore but with hugs

So I can now tick “CrossFit Bryanston” off my to-do list. I ended up scoring too many hugs from too many people to name. Sweaty people! In fact I think my shirt actually dried off a little in the drizzle as I walked to the car.

 The vibe was phenomenal. The people were amazing. The WOD was ... frikking ... awesome! (I'm running out of adjectives here.) Their Cobra Kai T-shirts are kick ass. (I promise to wax on, wax off my car 100 times tonight as penance for betraying Mr Miyagi.) And I won’t even hold the sad lack of cupcakes against them.

And as I left I cast a glance over at Luv Land and wonderered if they’re telling customers who ask about S&M that they should rather enquire next door at CrossFit Bryanston. They really should. .